


Greatest Regret

by orphan_account



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: M/M, Nerdiness, Other, Popcorn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-28
Updated: 2016-07-28
Packaged: 2018-07-27 07:30:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,905
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7609276
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ford reflects on his mistakes and shares with Dipper one of his greatest regrets in life (but we know this nerd has many).<br/>Or, Ford gossips 30 years later about his problematic demon bf before a party, because apparently that's a good idea and it will definitely help liven the party. Good idea, pointdexter</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Alternatively titled:<br/>Okay so Maybe not like the The Biggest Mistake but Hells Yeah It Is Up There Man like Yikes Bro Honestly Jeez Why Did I Even Like What I Mean Why Like My Son Hot Damn Man Wow Problematic Much</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> For a friend who's far away now.

"For a time, I worked alone."  
Ford sat facing Dipper, who turned to face his great uncle. It was early in the morning, before the party scheduled to celebrate the end of Weirdmageddon.  
"Sorry, Great Uncle Ford," Dipper started, "what are you talking about? That kind of came out of nowhere." He readjusted himself, facing away from the TV.  
"Right. Well, when I was - actually, let me explain. I was thinking about how happy I am to finally have Stanley back. To really have him back, memories and all."  
"I'm really happy, too." Dipper chimed in.  
"We all are." He lingered on that thought, trying to find the words to express what he really wanted to say. He let in a slow breath and sighed. "Dipper, you'll understand why later why it is I want to share this with you. It's the story of one of the great regrets of my life."  
"Great regrets? Is this about Grunkle Stan?"  
"Well, I suppose partially. His actions did end up helping to bring me here to Gravity Falls. But," he paused, "no, I suppose." He tried to sort out his story. "It's really more what happened here. It's one of my great regrets. I..." he trailed off. "One of my great regrets in life is that I let myself fall in love, once."  
Dipper needed a moment to process what he was hearing.  
Dipper said, "I need a moment to process what I am hearing."  
His mind started to race as he thought of what this man in front of him - this wanderer for thirty years, this explorer and adventurer and researcher for life - was really saying.  
"Falling in love? That's really it?" Dipper asked, thinking of Mabel and how he saw she could be hurt by fancy, and thinking of himself and his own experience with unrequited feelings, and thinking of how this strong, independent occult scientist could possibly be hurt. He hated to think of it. He hated to think of even coming to the idea himself that it was better never to have loved at all, even if to have lost somehow.  
"But," Dipper blurted out, "with who? Or, what did you fall in love with? Like... conventional love, or just infatuation, or-"  
"Dipper, please. I'll get to it." Ford raised his hands as though he could stop Dipper's usual flood of questions.  
"Then what do you mean, that you regret letting yourself fall in love?"  
Ford thought for a moment. "Let me clarify something, Dipper. It's just one specific kind of love I regret. It was like a package deal, you could say. It was love and obsession and infatuation - all for some ideas and, well, I don't know a good way to say this."  
"Try! Please! Go on. What do you mean?"  
"I let myself fall in love with an illusion. I convinced myself I would make an enormous impact here and finally unravel everything and understand it all. Then I fell in love with the idea of knowledge - not knowledge I had, per se, but like the idea of a library - the idea that I could understand and just know these multitudes and nuances of life and the universe itself."  
"Life, the universe, and everything, right?"  
"Ha, yes, Dipper," Ford laughed, "but I had a lot more than just 42 problems."  
"Then what do you regret, really? Becoming obsessed with learning about Gravity Falls, or with gaining power, or-"  
"It was a little of many things, really. That's what I mean. It was like a package deal for a package deal. And what the worst outcome of this was actually was the portal. The second worst was probably - now, I said to myself that I would say this out loud, but I really would rather not-"  
"Grunkle Ford?"  
"One of my great regrets for that time was falling in love with the one pers- thing - that could even in theory get me to where I wanted, and thought I needed, to be."  
"And that was? Learning? Gravity Falls?"  
Slowly, Ford steeled his nerve. "That was Bill."  
Dipper stared. "Uncle Ford, you can't be serious," he deadpanned.  
Stanford just kind of shrugged and tilted his head. "I am, though. Remember: he wasn't then to me what he is now to us."  
"How could you-"  
"How could I let it happen? It wasn't difficult. It was very, very easy, actually."  
"That's gross. Also, shouldn't that be impossible?"  
"No, it's quite possible. If you take a look throughout history, you'll see it happening more times than maybe was good for history. Remember the ancient Greeks and Romans?"  
Dipper thought and let out a long, "Ohhhhhhhh." He thought better of it. "But that's insane! Are you saying there are even more demons like him - and - and them - and do you think we'll be in danger again - and do they need physical forms - and-"  
"Dipper, please stop. It's fine. Let me just explain. Okay?" He half-jokingly added, "Need popcorn?"  
"Uh, that would be good, actually."  
"Good. I still have dimension 37 popcorn that you can heat up with your thoughts." Ford brought out small green kernels. Just point to them and they'll pop - but they do get hot to the touch. He threw one up and pointed, catching it with his mouth on its descent.  
"Here," Ford placed them in Dipper's now-outstretched hand. "If you need a breather during the story," he explained.  
As Dipper tried out the popcorn, he asked, "But why do you have to tell this now? Don't tell me you want to use the-"  
"Calm down, Dipper. You've been on edge the whole time I've been trying to tell you this story. There's no need to panic. Don't panic."  
Dipper wanted to laugh in response but all he could do was feign a half-smile.  
Ford huffed. "Let me just tell the story, Dipper. I need to get it off my chest, and no, I'm not going to forget. I can't. It's made too much of an impact on me."  
"You need it?"  
"I need it."  
Dipper turned the TV off.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1st person POV should not exist.  
> This has been a PSA. Thank you for you cooperation.

"So, um, what's the story?" Dipper asked, his voice shaky. What could possibly lead someone so intelligent so astray? What was he thinking? What was this man about to tell him? How... anything?  
"Well, I worked alone, for a time."

I worked alone, at my studies. This was after I brought in Fiddleford to help, and after I let him slip away. It was after I found tales of old, of a being - Bill, as we know now, of course - that could bring untold, vast knowledge. And - you know the story, don't you? I've told this part, at least, before. I've been over this already.  
[I remember, Uncle Ford. How could I forget?]  
We know very well how. Anyway, I ended up... Well. This all came to a head when I found out what Bill was really going to be using the portal for.  
[No, this wasn't why you decided to call for help, was it?]  
[Uncle Ford?]  
I can't say this is something I'm too proud of. Nothing about this is something I'm proud of. Side note, Dipper, don't tell this to your sister. She thinks too much about things like these. It's always something that gets us. And with her, it's - anyway, don't tell my brother, either. It's... embarrassing, I won't lie. I'd rather he not know about all this before we embark on our next journey. I mentioned most things. But I didn't mention what I did before I called him out. I lost a battle of will. On one hand, I had my entire life's work being fulfilled and the possibility that perhaps Bill could be stopped before he wrought his chaos and havoc. On the other hand, there was the sinking knowledge that I would never be able to stop him, and that there would only be more people I would hurt, just like Fiddleford. All I'll say is that it takes a while to find your way from the middle of nowhere, USA, to Gravity Falls. I needed help to get out of the mess, and in a moment of panic just before I snapped, and I really did snap something terrible, I phoned in for help, never knowing exactly when the help would get there. [When Grunkle Stan would get there?] Yes. I thought he could pull me out of my mess. But really, I somehow found the chutzpah to get out of it all myself. I... I have to admit, that I took Bill up on one of his ultimate offers. I would carry out the portal's function, and he would stay with me and grant me - you know the deal, don't you? Infinite power, immortality, yadda yadda. But I was alone then. Alone with Bill in my mind. And I latched onto him. I went insane. I don't know how to describe it. Maybe it was all the late nights, the paranoia, the powerlust, or something else that had been brewing even before. I couldn't help myself from crossing that event horizon. I had found out his plan. At first, I thought it was horrible. At first, it struck me all at once what I was hearing.  
"You can't stop a bridge between our worlds from coming, but it would be fun to watch you try! Cute, even!" Bill said. I took off. Well, I woke up. But it seems like as I woke up then, I fell deep into an illusion. I paced my rooms, trying to find some way to change the portal and salvage my work. I knew things could enter the portal - of course, I never knew then that I would one day enter it myself - but I found myself staying up late, thinking to myself. What could I do? What could change things? What if I could actually understand Bill himself?  
That last thought really resonated with me. I only know now that I'm okay to tell this story. I've escaped him, another reason why I want to tell you this story. So I can escape, really this time. As I paced my room, frantically editing and looking in my journals, as if anything could match Bill's might and help me take him down that I'd known of at that time, I found myself slowly coming to a stop. I remember how I kneeled over, like there was something bringing me so much pain. But it wasn't physical pain at all. It was just the crippling thought - the thought that I would have to sacrifice everything I'd worked for - really, ever - and that I would bring harm to the world I wished to help and save. I needed something. And that something, I decided, was Bill. I knew there and then what the throes of despair really were. I knew right in that instant that no matter how sick to my stomach I was of ordering what could amount to some armageddon, that I needed my answers. And I needed Bill. I was prepared to go to the ends of the Earth to understand and change his mind, and most importantly, change his plan. It was even worse than my obsession with him was before that point.  
I went back into the mindscape long after that confrontation. I had spent hours without sleep, without food, without thinking of my own self and my body and my sanity.  
"Back again, Sixer?" he asked me, challenging me. "I think you seem to forget that I can see into your mind. A deal is a deal, and you're still my vulnerable little puppet!"  
"No!" I shouted. "The deal is rigged. How am I supposed to let you into my own dimension when I can't even trust that I know who you are. Teach me who you are. Gain my trust once more. I want this, so much do I want this. I want your answers, Bill. I want to stand beside you so I can finally know all there is to know." I begged with him. I wanted him by my side, like the desperate final wail you can only hear when someone is stricken down to Hell.  
"You really changed your mind, did you Sixer? No more shutting down the portal?" He asked me. He grew grotesque, dripping with blue flame, and large, and blackened before me as if burnt to a crisp himself with some strange, absurd emotion that even now I can't imagine, and I'm sure I can't comprehend. I'm no hero. I can't say I turned away. "Give me your own self, and I will give you your portal." I shouted at him. "But give me, once and for all, give me yourself so I know I can trust you."  
"How about this?" he began his wicked deal. "In my new realm, you and I could be an unstoppable team. Here, I have my friends, but I'm always ready for a new acquisition. You've been fun, I'll readily admit." He was wicked and cruel and I listened to every word he said. "I'll give you the power of one of us. Just imagine being all-powerful. Just imagine being free from the laws and restrictions of a small people. Just imagine being greater than anything you could ever imagine ruling over this dimension with us!"  
Maybe it was the sleep-deprived, scared part of me talking, but we shook on it once more.  
"Call me a friend," I told him, "or call me more. But I will need you to open up so we can have at least a reasonable function here."  
I couldn't help falling to them. To him. I didn't want to believe Bill would do that to me. I don't know what I was thinking. It should have all been so clear. It was. It really was but I turned away from it and I didn't want to feel betrayed.  
The next thing I knew, after we shook on it, Bill appeared before me, but as a human. Well, as much a human he could be. It was very strange. I can't describe what exactly he looked like. It was incomprehensible by all accounts. It was breathtaking. He appeared in a suit, which is very like him. He has, in his own way, very refined tastes when it comes to this. His brand of chaos is somewhat more base, I would say. Anyway, he radiated this intimidating aura, like if the air around him grew turgid with his emitted heat. His body was long and lanky, and his fingers and nose were long and thin. His hair, I found pretty funny. Pretty, but also pretty funny. It was relatively long, and up in a pomp, so by a couple of angles, it was like you were looking at a triangle. I thought, well, he had to keep some of the motif going, right? Haha. Bill.  
Anyway.  
But by all accounts, Dipper, I call him a human, sort of. And I call him a, well, him, sort of. His body, I can only describe as incredibly androgynous. His voice, sure, was that horrible one we all know now, but it was very strange to see him that way. Make no mistake, he was very beautiful. I-  
[Ew, Great Uncle Ford, I don't need to hear you talking about being attracted to a demon.]  
Fair point, and I hate saying it, too. But I can't help it at all. And I definitely couldn't help it then. All of that power, and in such a captivating form. I wanted his power, and his-  
[Grunkle Ford, please don't.]  
His mind, Dipper. I wanted his knowledge and power. I wanted to be able to take this world away from him if ever given the chance.  
[But didn't you say you wanted more than that?]  
Yes, I'll say it. I wanted him. I wanted Bill at my side. I wanted Bill to take me- [Uncle Ford, what did I say?]  
I wanted him to take me to the ends of the Earth and beyond the horizon.  
You have to let me finish speaking, Dipper.  
[Sorry. Please go on. But maybe censor some of this?]  
I wasn't even going to get to those parts, but maybe I will, for the sake of actively censoring instead of just omitting.  
[No, please, that's not what I meant!]  
Don't worry. That's just a joke. It's all in good fun.

"Dipper," Ford began, "that brings up another issue here. Have you ever felt that way about anyone? Or is all of this going over your head?"  
"Well," Dipper said, "I have, sure, but not like this, I'm guessing. Mabel almost definitely has, but that's Mabel being Mabel."  
"What about Stan? Do you know anything about the last 30 years in that department?"  
"He's your brother, not mine. I wouldn't know. Why would we talk about that? We should stop talking about this. Back to your story please," Dipper hurried to say, his eyes darting not to meet his great uncle's.  
"This begs the question. Are you embarrassed for yourself or for Stan?" Ford calmly rested his head in one hand, leaning on the chair's armrest.  
"Never mind all that."  
"Don't be that way."  
Dipper sighed. "Fine. I'm not secondhand embarrassed, to tell you the truth. But I've only had, you know, normal crushes. Mabel has had more than her fair share of those, too."  
"I've been meaning to ask you something, actually."  
"Yeah?" Dipper wondered what Ford could possibly ask of him. Something about pop culture? Something about himself again? He hoped it wasn't about himself again. He hated those kinds of questions. He just wasn't good at them.  
"By now you get that," Ford paused, "How do I say this?" he asked no one in particular. "It didn't faze you at all that I," he paused again, unsure of how to ask this. "Well, it was the early 1980s when I got sucked into the portal. I didn't live in a bubble, Dipper, even if I had other things to worry about. And I caught up with at least some history I missed in this short time. Are things better now?"  
"Better now? What, like the Cold War?"  
"No, not like the Cold War. Honestly, it was pretty obvious from the beginning that capitalism would win, but no matter here." Ford clarified. "You didn't bat an eye when I said I wanted anything other than a woman. Please tell me it's actually better now, in the world, for people like me." Dipper's mood seemed to fall in an instant. "Grunkle Ford, um, it's," he trailed off, "kind of. I mean, I think you'd rather talk to Mabel about that. She's more, um, in tune with that, I guess?"  
They sat in silence for a moment. "Grunkle Ford, I'm sorry if anything bad happened to you because of anybody mean or-"  
"Dipper, it's fine. I've been toe to toe with demons across several dimensions. You don't have to worry about me like that." Ford laughed. "I never let anyone know I was different like that. I've always focused on brains over body, after all."  
"Brains over body?" Dipper questioned. "That sounds a little gruesome."  
"Gruesome? No, not like that. Bodies come and they go, but personality and force of will and intelligence together are a mighty force to be reckoned with." Ford said. "At least, that's what I've found."  
"That explains some of it."  
"Some of what?"  
"Why you would ever love someone like Bill. I mean, he's not even human. Actually, from what you said, he can be?"  
"In the mindscape, Bill can adopt several different forms. Think of it like a perk of sorts that he has that comes with all that power. But no matter what, that's what he is represented as because that's who he is - at least, as a human, that is who he is. Besides, he's a demon from another dimension. Do you really expect us to be able to properly ender something like that?"  
"Well, I never thought of that, and I never wondered about Bill that way. But I'm sure Mabel would agree with you, in a couple of different ways here."  
"I mulled it over a few times when I wandered around just beyond the portal. It's a part of the nature of existence there. I'm sure you understand."  
"Kind of? Uh. Of course, of course."  
Ford snickered. "But," he said, "back to the story?"  
"Yes, please."  
"Well."


	3. Chapter 3

I took in the sight. I couldn't believe what happened. I thought that perhaps Bill was tricking me. Why would he be appearing to me like this? Why would he show even a semblance of humanity to me?  
I pondered the situation, but Bill took a hold of me. Not physically, or, as physically as is possible in the mindscape, but he did exhibit this strange grip of sorts that seemed to bring me closer to him.  
"Just think of it all! You and me, Sixer. How does that sound?"  
By that point, I knew he had figured out my feelings for him. I actually grew to care about him. Between all the idolizing and meditations, we spent a lot of time together, and he was my one ticket to everything. He promised me the world, and all I thought I could do was believe him.  
He told me then, "I wonder if you're even ready for it, Sixer?" It wasn't a question so much as this uttering filled with something between malice and hope. He said, "I wonder if your biggest mistake here is thinking I care about you. I wonder if your biggest mistake here is thinking I don't care about you."  
I still can't describe how that made me feel, because I still don't know.  
He said then, "I know how you humans open up to each other. I know, Sixer. And I know this is going to be fun." He came creeping towards me, staring into my eyes with this burning intensity.  
I woke up.  
[I can't tell if I'm relieved or disappointed.]  
Really, Dipper?  
[I didn't say that.]  
Anyway, I found myself in a cold sweat. I hadn't taken care of myself at all. I was hungry, I hadn't slept for very long, which I had kept up for several weeks, you see. I needed somebody with me but I'd already called for help, and there was no way Stanley would reach me in time. I didn't know how much I needed someone. When I ate, I thought of him, and of how I could possibly get back at him for trying to trick me, and I thought of ways I could devour him and get rid of him and somehow retain that power and knowledge. When I saw myself in the mirror, the face staring back at me had those scarred, wrong pupils, and inside myself I could see him. Not literally, but he was there. And I realized that I wanted not just him, but to replace him. To replace him and take back what he had taken from Fiddleford, and prevent myself and anyone else from making deals. I was obsessed. I couldn't wait to get back at him. And to hurt him. And yet, through all of it I couldn't wait to get back to him. And to lose myself in all of his power.  
I never want to feel it again. Bill took something away from me that I can't describe as anything other than my sanity. Thankfully, after it all was said and done, I think the ordeal helped me adjust to life beyond the portal so seamlessly. I never made the deal, Dipper, but he still took away something I've prided myself on for my entire life. He took away my mind. I hated it. But I couldn't get away. I didn't even want to. I was finally so close to it. My head was spinning the entire time. I couldn't let go of my thoughts, the same thoughts over and over again. I'm so small. But Bill is grand. Bill is powerful, and I want it. Bill is almost all-knowing, and I want it. Bill was everything I could ever ask for. He taught me things, Dipper. He taught me magic, and he taught me how to feel smaller than I ever felt before, and stronger than I ever felt before.  
I was obsessed. I had tunnel vision, and it only cleared up in the mindscape. During my waking hours, I searched for answers - could I defeat Bill and banish him, but still keep the portal open for further study? I searched for a way, neglecting my own human needs. Even he thought I went overboard.  
When I got into the mindscape, he would ask me. "Still alive, ey, Sixer?" And his laugh - I'll never forget it.  
One night, a few nights after I first confronted him, he broke me, even more than he already had. It was the height of my infatuation up until that moment. I appeared to me as a human once more. We had been talking, somehow more personally, for nights, and even now it pains me to remember it. I don't want to remember what we spoke of. It was infuriating and frustrating and I only wanted more of him. I can't explain what overtook me.  
I kept cycling through the same thoughts during the daytime, stuck in some sort of limbo - some sort of something - and I couldn't get him out of my head, in so many ways.

I don't want to say this. You may be too young.  
[... No. Please continue. You need it.]  
Oh, so you're at that age, huh?  
[What?]  
If you want to hear it, Dipper, here it is.  
The night before Stan arrived, it happened. Bill must have known Stan was coming. He must have. Despite my efforts at keeping Bill out, he somehow took possession of me. I had enough sense, if you could call it that, to expulse Bill from my physical body and bring myself back to the foreground. I had done it before, and that's the only thing I credit for allowing me to do that then. I wanted him right there with me. I sunk myself into the mindscape and confronted him once more, where he issued his ultimatum.  
"I let you in, Sixer. And you're drowning. Open the rift, now!" he yelled, fearsome in his damn triangle format. We exchanged bellows that somehow strayed from blows. He soon got the idea to transform back into that alluring human form of his.  
He said to me, "Sixer, there's only one way I know I can get your trust again. And I know you want this. I know you've been practically aching to do this. I said it would be fun to watch you try, but I underestimated how nice it was to watch you suffer!"  
I was stricken with him. I yelled at him. "Why do you always want to see me this way when I never see you giving anything?"  
Something changed with that. I yelled at him. "Show me something to latch onto, Bill!" What was I even thinking? The worst part is that I know. I yelled, "Show me something to work with!"  
I ran towards him, ready to strike him right between the eyes. He evaded my fist. Without even looking back, I dropped to the floor and swung my leg behind me, hoping to get the slip on Bill. But we were in the mindscape. What use was there, I wonder now, in fighting back?  
Pretty soon, I realized Bill had teleported in front of me. He tackled me and I shot straight back. I squirmed but, again, we were in the mindscape. I was powerless. He was in charge. I couldn't truly fight him even there if he wanted me to, I thought. I bashed at him, but he felt no pain, I suppose. It was as though nothing really affected him. Or maybe he was focused.  
He snapped once and chains arose from behind me and seized me. They were so cold they even burned. The chains took me down and kept me there. All the while, Bill just stood up and looked down on me. He walked over and said, "This is the one thing you know you want that you know will break you. It's so funny watching you squirm! It's even cute!"  
His grin was wide and sprawling on such a sharp face. He said, "Now, I don't like to break my toys, and you're an excellent toy."  
Dipper, I'm starting to think that maybe you shouldn't hear the rest of this part.  
You're just going to continue stuffing your face with popcorn. Well, fair enough!  
He said then to me, "This is for our deal, Sixer." And he walked right up to me. He kneeled down and looked me in the eye, trying to look bored, but his expression betrayed his intentions. I could see that he was thrilled. I wondered how many times he had done this.  
The rest is something I'll keep to myself.  
[What? No! Don't just leave off there! What did you do?]  
Remember, Dipper, you're only 13.  
[Dang it.]  
When the time is right.  
[Really?]  
Probably not. It's kind of a huge invasion of privacy.  
[...]  
So that's that. Who's ready to go to the party?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trying to get over 1st person pov trauma while writing crazy Ford.  
> Yikes.


End file.
